What Marriage Experts Don’t Want You To Know About Your Thinking …??????
Did you know that in any relationship, and especially marriage, what you think about yourself, your partner, and your relationship can determine if the marriage, or relationship will survive? Why? Because what you think, positively or negatively, controls you and affects others. What you think controls how you act, how you communicate, how you treat your mate and how you view our marriage.
“Negative thinking” can turn a good relationship into a bad one very quickly. You can think your relationship to death. Your relationship may be plagued with negative speaking and negative behavior because of negative thinking. Negative thinking can lead to the death of any relationship, especially your marriage.
Here is what the experts don’t want you to know about your thinking- you can learn how to think your marriage, or any relationship to life. I will show you a step by step approach on how to save your relationship through positive thinking.
The Effects of Negative Thinking
Negative thinking in marriage or any relationship develops when conflict and anger build up over time. Negative thinking changes your perception of your marriage and in the process, you begin to devalue your spouse. You may begin seeing the intentions and motives of your spouse as bad. Even when things aren’t as bad as they seem, you may be convinced that something is wrong with the other person. Then, what psychologist calls, “confirmation bias”[i] steps in. This is selective perception that emphasizes all that is bad and ignores that which is good (or vice-versa).
The following example will show how negative thinking changes your emotions. You can think yourself sad, you can think yourself angry or you can think yourself pleasant. Let us say you are in a heated argument with your spouse, emotions running high, and then the phone rings. It is a call that you have been expecting and must answer. You decide to walk away, pick up the phone and calmly say, “Hello” as you think, “I need to be calm and pleasant in answering the phone.” Soon after you hang up the phone, you start thinking back on the situation that got you heated before, and your emotions changed back to the way before the call.
This example points out that different thoughts produce different emotions and behaviors. If this is true, and I believe this to be true, then the key to transformation of self and your relationship begins by changing negative thinking to positive thinking. Positive thinking will change negative emotions and negative behaviors in any relationship, especially marriage.
So why aren’t more couples doing this? I believe many couples do not fully understand the power within this verse “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7) and Satan strategically uses negative thinking to derail and destroy relationships. John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; [But Jesus said] I have come so that they may have life and may have it abundantly.” If you are married, I want you to declare, “My marriage will live and not die.” You can do the same with any other relationship.
Some of you reading this are thinking negatively, saying, “My marriage is dead!” But I had you declare by faith that your marriage will live and not die. This is the strategy of thinking your marriage to life.
How can this be? It is because I have injected biblical hope, which is built on your faith. Romans 8:24-25 declares, “For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.” I want you to hang on to hope, which is “confident eager expectation” that something which has not happened yet will really happen. However, it begins with your thinking. Negative thinking kills faith, hope and relationships. Positive thinking builds faith, hope and relationships.
Saving Your Relationship Through Positive Thinking!
Regardless of where you are in your relationship, it can be saved. Many relationships are going through loveless seasons. Have you ever been hurt in a relationship to the point of saying, “I have lost my love for you?” One spouse may say, “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” Subsequently, negative thinking about that person increases. The prescription for losing love in any relationship, and especially marriage, is a high dose of positive thinking.
When the church in Ephesus (Rev. 2:1-7) lost its first love, what did Jesus prescribe? Rev. 2:5 says, “Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works.” The key is “remembering.” However, you cannot remember without first thinking. The natural question to is, “What should you think”?
The Bible instructs us to think on these things in Philippians 4:8, “Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” The goal is to reduce negative thinking that devalues your spouse and replace them with positive thinking that values your spouse.
As an ACTION STEP exercise, think about one relationship that is bad or dead. Take a moment and write down how you feel about that person (it may be your spouse, sibling, co-worker, etc.). Next, answer the following two questions.
- What do you remember as being lovely and brings peace about your spouse/other person? Think about the good times you had together. Take it back to a special happy day (wedding day, the day you did something fun and memorable). Think about ways to bring about peace.
- Whatever is admirable and of good report. Write down a list of admirable things about your spouse/other person and think on them. Also, by faith, write down some things, you don’t see but would like to see.
After you have completely answered the two questions, and thoroughly thought on them. Write down your thoughts about how you feel now as compared to your initial thoughts. This is the fastest way to revive even dead relationships.
For more tips, tools and resources, visit www.hopeconquersd.com. If you are interested in enriching and transforming your marriage in as little as 90-Days, you can be apart of my brand new Rapid Implementation Marriage Enrichment Program called 90-Days To Total Marriage Transformation. Visit site or Click >>here<< for more information.
Dr. Delroy Fredericks
[i] Light University, Marriage Works: Enriching Your Marriage and Encouraging Others (Light University, 2006), 45.